Commodore Remix

i will try and get a joke out once a week ...
heres the first:

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.
"Certainly Sir," says Jervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"
"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.
"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No" says the customer "It's got to be that one".
So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ....... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good", says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."
So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and...... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
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I am warning you ..
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its realy bad ..
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Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

*GROAN* but it made me laugh!

I don't get it... is the morale some kind of famous slogan?

It's a play on a very old English advert that went..

Hands that do dishes are as soft as your face with mild green fairy liquid!

Think you'll have to English to get it.

Aaarrrgh!

If its puns you want, puns you'll get.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,


"Oh darling they're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

D'oh



If you get hit on the head by a shooting star, will you meteor maker ?

Thunderer wrote: "Oh darling they're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Good one!

I know this german one, originated by Karl Dall, but it also works in english I think:
"Besser zweimal Paris-Dakar als einmal Sidney Rome.
("Better twice Paris-Dakar than once Sidney Rome")

DOH!! I did realise it was a play on words but wasnt sure what

Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie's mansion at the edge of town.
But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were suprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn't get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie's tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.
However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbours leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was, and one of the neighbours replied:

"Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur's troubled Walter."

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in annimated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

excellent!

Steve B wrote:£5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Here's your fiver.

Thanks for making me laugh, I needed that.

Fiver goooood !

gonna need lots of them in the comming months (years) .... i am thinking very strongly about doing my PPL (Private Pilots Licence) and its going to cost about £8000 in total