Capitalism explained: The Cow theory

Post by **tas** » 11/03/2004 - 14:37

Traditional Capitalism: 
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on the income.

An American Corporation: 
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A French Corporation:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Japanese Corporation: 
You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide at a fantastic profit.

A German Corporation:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and they milk themselves.

An English Corporation: 
You have two cows. Both are mad.

An Italian Corporation:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian Corporation: 
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A Hindu Corporation: 
You have two cows. You worship them.

A Chinese Corporation:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A Welsh Corporation 
You have two cows. The younger one is rather attractive

An Australian Corporation - Western suburbs style....
You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows. You die the first time you try and milk them.

An Irish Corporation 
Who cares, the EU Really owns them now and the pub is still serving.

A New Zealand Corporation 
You have two cows. You don't know what they are used for, as they aren't sheep

Vosla · Post by **Vosla** » 11/03/2004 - 14:55

Dunno what was in your coffee but I want it NOW !!!

merman · Post by **merman** » 11/03/2004 - 15:10

The Supercow Corporation

You put the cow in charge of writing the press releases...

Chappers · Post by **Chappers** » 11/03/2004 - 16:04

merman wrote:The Supercow Corporation

You put the cow in charge of writing the press releases...

Supercow has definitely left an indelible mark on this here forum, that's for sure.

There's times (briefly) where I miss his basket-case-like surrealist views on the topics of the day. Then I remember he used to just go & spoil it for everyone soon after and then I come to my senses.

Just imagine if a Supercow Corporation did exist. Sends a chill down my spine just to think of it.

Paul

CraigG · Post by **CraigG** » 11/03/2004 - 17:59

Another version:

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for
keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

LESBIANISM:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Rafael Dyll · Post by **Rafael Dyll** » 12/03/2004 - 18:16

Mahoney Corporation

You have two cows. You get them to sing acapella and play accordion while break dancing, sounding like a mad cow choir with 27 voices.

Abbot Coropration

You have 852387523 cows. You play with them, listen to their troubles, milk them once in a while, give some of the milk to other corporations and tell other corporations all about how green the grass is that the cows are eating. You wonder what it must be like being a cow.

Tas Corporation

You have two cows. You give them up to create 7 bulls. They are all under your control and start building cows of their own to have, which start reporting back to you. You live off mad cows and feed them to your bulls.

Schneider Corporation

You have two cows. You teach your 2 cows to play classic piano and the violin. You then train them 24 hours a day to create the ultimate cow sound that sounds nothing like cows anymore. You lean back and watch people wondering how you can manipulate cows like that.

DHS Corporation

You have two cows wearing sun-glasses. You make them dance like nuts, turn up the volume and shoot anyone who tells you that the cows are really cool.

Sonic Wanderer Corporation

You have two desk(pop)top cows. They grin all the time and look like they have mad cows disease, but theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re actually really nice cows that love to hug everyone.

The Honorabili Corporation (!)

You have two cows that sound like one cow with its b*** cut off. You tell everyone that this is the future of cow sounds and that everyone has to respect that. Whilst trying to improve the one cowÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s octave range to 3 notes, you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t notice that everybodyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s died laughing and your cows have shot each other.

Lagerfeld Corporation

You have 2 professional cows. They have learned all that you have taught them, they have won prizes and make other cows feel like theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re sheep.

The Detert Corporation

You have 2 cows that go to Greece on holiday. They have long, black hair-dos and sing hymns while conquering a paradise world. Your stories of the cowÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s adventures are very popular and keep reminding everyone of something else they canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t put their fingers on.

Feel free to add you own variants.

tom · Post by **tom** » 12/03/2004 - 18:40

The Detert Corporation

You have 2 cows that go to Greece on holiday. They have long, black hair-dos and sing hymns while conquering a paradise world. Your stories of the cowÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s adventures are very popular and keep reminding everyone of something else they canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t put their fingers on.

cheers
TOM

Chris Abbott · Post by **Chris Abbott** » 12/03/2004 - 19:08

> You wonder what it must be like being a cow.
Hey, I remember my own cow days. Sometimes I just long to be eating grass all day...

Chris

Xelebes · Post by **Xelebes** » 13/03/2004 - 7:05

Are the Welsh truely considered the Joe Dyrt of Europe?

Rafael Dyll · Post by **Rafael Dyll** » 13/03/2004 - 9:23

Xelebes wrote:Are the Welsh truely considered the Joe Dyrt of Europe?

Does Chris Abbot really have 852387523 cows?

Post by **tas** » 13/03/2004 - 9:40

hehe Rafael... Nice one

Xelebes · Post by **Xelebes** » 13/03/2004 - 10:34

I don't get it. =/

Rafael Dyll · Post by **Rafael Dyll** » 13/03/2004 - 11:11

Abbot: Not a corporation (he may be to differ though).
Hence:
Welsh: Not a corporation.

Abbot: Does not really have 852387523 cows.
Hence:
Welsh: Does not really have two cows. Also, forget the note about the younger one being rather attractive.

Actually, I think this may now sound even more confusing.

Lagerfeldt · Post by **Lagerfeldt** » 13/03/2004 - 13:00

Lagerfeldt Corporation

You have 2 professional cows. They have learned all that you have taught them, they have won prizes and make other cows feel like theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re sheep.

Rafael you are one funny dude

Xelebes · Post by **Xelebes** » 14/03/2004 - 4:05

Rafael Dyll wrote:Abbot: Not a corporation (he may be to differ though).
Hence:
Welsh: Not a corporation.

Abbot: Does not really have 852387523 cows.
Hence:
Welsh: Does not really have two cows. Also, forget the note about the younger one being rather attractive.

Actually, I think this may now sound even more confusing.

No, I was asking if the Wales was considered the "Arkansas" of Europe.