Commodore Remix

I was seeing a therapist several years ago and now am back seeing one again, it aint no laughing matter and it aint no joke.

Neil, that's because I am a bodiless heap of postings here... Experience me when I am really pissed off and I do hate being pissed off because the wrong people get frightened all the time... and I simply can't cut that. One of many reasons I shifted from day to night activity & usually don't leave my home anymore except for some after-midnight-constitutionals...
Btw... I may usually post one lame joke after another... but right now I am bloody serious.

Oh, well. My girl is in therapy and I just got informed that my brother is now in therapy for a "depressive phase"... this is a freaking epidemic or what ?!

Ever felt like destroying the universe... and just got a spoon to do the job?

Vosla wrote:...this is a freaking epidemic or what ?!

Well I'm ok, as far as I know. Probably won't make you any happier, but I'm here to deny that this is getting epidemic proportions. But, please go on discussing whatever you want, it's a good start!

It feels rather complicated to say "don't worry, I'm ok", since that's probably the dumbest thing you can say to a person that's sometimes depressed. But, you wanted to know. I sincerely hope I don't upset you!

Hi Mahoney! :O)

Well, you did not offend me. Had you just replied with a "Don't Worry, I'm OK!", I might have thought; "I wonder if he understand the nature of our problems, or the point of this thread at all?", but you did the best you could have done in your reply: showed understanding! :O) ... Never would I be irritated just because I find that someone is free from such problems that I've got. I would never wish for anyone to experience the same shit! ...

Depression + social anxiety is mind numbing. It removes effort, reason, enjoyment, hope, sensing and shut down the "power" to your life, while the rest of the world just "race by". It's hard to describe, and it's with mixed feelings that I say: "It has to be experienced to be understood".

I know that this thread can seem a little (to "outsiders") like a negative, "self-lulling" thread, but in fact (to me) it's the opposite. It's nice to see (now is that weird or what!) that others have problems that relate to yours. And finding friends among these is certainly a bonus for me. Threads like this, and the remix community in general may actiually be my "tool" in the future.

Pex, you seem to be such an admirably positive character why should I shoot you for your (pretty non-offending) comment? It gives a bit of a lift to see at least one happy face once in a while.
(Read: No irony!)

Maybe it's my state of mind but I got the impression that more and more people I know or heard of are suffering from depression. It's growing... And now I stumbled upon this thread and a whole bunch of people here also have the blues?! That's something about every third contact of me has depressions or a depressive phase. That's not quite what the official statistics say (10% go for winterdepressions, another 2% are permanent). Scary !

Tas wrote:It's no good tellin people with clinical depression to be happy or go out an enjoy yourself, cos it simply doesn't work like that. There's Depression (Feeling grumpy and sad) and there's DEPRESSION!!!

Those who have ever had DEPRESSION know just how much it can destroy you. It's a terrible thing! It's a condition thats simply not understood. To be honest, before i started suffering i just thought it's a condition where you feel under the weather and very low. In reality it's far far far worse.

Wow.... im only on page 1 of this discussion and well damn....
I've suffered from depression too since i was around 12 years old, i was bullied badly at school and they made what was a very loud young man (the person you see on these pages) into a very quiet and withdrawn recluse (the guy some of you saw at bit in brighton).
few suicide attempts and a drinking problem at the age of 14 before anyone actually noticed i had depression (just goes to show how much people pay attention don't it). and off i went to see mr "phyciatrist" who did f'all to help.

moving right along skimming up and down on the scales from being happy one day to wanting to visit the cliffs of dover n do a lil lemming dive the other i reached being 18.
f'ed up college nicely with a drug habit and met my 1st girlfriend who i was with for 3 years. we made a pretty decent home for ourselves, lived in a nice neat little house and had a fair few savings.
I had my music which i was deeply into and little did i know whilst i was tinkling the ivory's someone was tinkling hers.. several times.
in the 3 years we were together that girl went through 3 guys.. (yes i really did love her something rotten..) till we got this fangled internet thing.
here she met someone called neil ( ! ! ) on a little program called paltalk... and in the month of september i came home to a nice lil note... and her and around 9grand worth of savings had emigrated to leicester.

as you can imagine i totally fell to peices, i tried and tried to get her back to no avail and if it wasnt for the net and some friends that i had made (one of them being my now girlfriend... but ill get to that in a sec) i would never have got through. my ex left me with around 3grand worth of debt to settle which even now i am still negotiating.

I ended up back home with my family (where i am now) but here the family i remember had fallen apart, my mum having an affair with a man who came to this house as my dads friend. they flaunted this many times until a year ago they actually made it proper and now reside in this house WITH my dad in here too and f each other and so forth right next door to where i sleep.... happy homes indeed.
anyway, prior to moving i began to realise that my heart lied in the hands of a little young lady, called kat.

small well spoken 18yr old girl from ipswich (about 60 miles away) who was a wonderful person... and also turned out to be my saviour. she shepharded me through hell and back (and is still doing it now) despite our own ups and downs she too has f'ed off with someone else before now (well documented in the irc chat room if you remember stuff like that) but me and her worked our differences out and despite the odd downs we are the perfect couple and i thank god for her.
I guess im writing this because I have had a pretty shitty life, and the whole saga is still onrunning, i have a hell of alot of trapped anger that i cannot manifest in the same way as normal people (totally frightened of violence) and my music is an outlet to me. so next time you listen to my music maybe you'll hear my frustration... my depression, my anger... the love that i hold in my heart.

Right now at this point in time im feeling pretty good, stuff is going pretty well, and i really do hope that it carries on because i know how some of you guys feel out there.. and it is really hard to get out of that well once you fall in it.

just wanted to share my story with you all. maybe ya might understand my music a lil more and not think im so bloody weird lol.

Hey Infamous, we don't think you're weird. Particularly when you compare yourself to the rest of us...

The bullying at school I can definitely sympathise with, it happened to me and was part of my problems. I was suicidal too. Writing and the C64 helped me get over the suicidal tendencies (for a while, anyway).